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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27463228">the night i had you</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/elfbairds/pseuds/elfbairds'>elfbairds</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Wheel of Time - Robert Jordan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Song: Moonlight (Ariana Grande), lan pov because we deserve it, they are just SO soft at all times i cannot</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 17:55:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,827</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27463228</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/elfbairds/pseuds/elfbairds</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>One night, Lan Mandragoran reminisces on the series of events that led him to fall in love with Nynaeve al'Meara, the Wisdom of Emond's Field.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Nynaeve al'Meara/Lan Mandragoran</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the night i had you</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is mostly a response to the popular demand among Lanaeve shippers for more Lan POV, and honestly, I feel you all. Sit down and enjoy my take on Lan being absolutely whipped for his small angry wife, because honestly, I think we all deserve it.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A single shard of ice-blue moonlight, pale and cold, cut across the bed where Lan Mandragoran and Nynaeve al'Meara slept. It drew a smooth, sharp, unwavering line from the window- shut, with the curtains pulled but for a single sliver that allowed the light to pass through- across the rumpled wheaten and white sheets of their bed. It spanned Lan's chest before cascading over Nynaeve's shoulder and cutting off abruptly where the shadow cast by their intertwined bodies lay. Where it touched bare skin it was cool, like ice water, a single shred of light in the otherwise dark room.</p><p>The pleasant chill of the night had come to replace the heat of the evening an hour or so prior. It did not take a genius to tell what had passed between the couple, from the mess of sheets to their bareness despite the season. Afterwards, Nynaeve had rolled over, letting her head fall against Lan's chest, and had fallen asleep after a few minutes of conversation, spoken in low murmurs. Keeping one arm around his wife's shoulders, Lan had reached over and put out the last candle, before settling into the inn's lumpy pillows with a slow sigh. </p><p>Now he lay in the darkness, staring peacefully at the streak of moonlight, Nynaeve sound asleep against him. He did not move to close the curtains for fear of rousing her. While it had at first bothered him, the more he watched the light, rippling at the edges where the curtains shifted silently, the more he enjoyed it. He did not like pure darkness anyways- darkness, while good for sneaking, was also dangerous. In the back of his mind he could always see assassins with silver blades waiting in the corners, even when he looked a thousand times and saw no glint, no rustle. </p><p>Nynaeve's presence steadied him. It was easier not to worry about someone's safety when you held them in your arms. Lan let his gaze fall upon her. In her sleep, she was calm, though occasionally her brows furrowed or she would mumble something. Dreams- they could not be trusted too lightly, but Nynaeve was powerful. She did not have much to fear, although she would have said otherwise.</p><p>It was still strange to Lan that anyone could make him feel the things he felt around Nynaeve al'Meara. Light, even her name brought something up in him, more than anything else could have. First she had sent his heart- his steady, reliable heart, a heart that always beat the way he wished it to- racing like Mandarb's hooves before a battle. Then she had concerned him, infuriated him, set his body ablaze with her stubbornness and her unwavering determination. He felt emotions tenfold around her, and in her presence he wanted things he had never cared for before. </p><p><i>Light, what a woman.</i> Nynaeve could make him feel a thousand things with a tug of her braid or a sharp retort. She made him joyous enough to break a grin (an oddity for anyone who knew him), angered enough to hurl something against the nearest wall, and worried enough to send an entire army to keep her safe wherever she went. The latter part, Lan knew, was far from necessary. Nynaeve could speak with enough fire to scare off a Warder, and if that failed, her powers were great enough to wipe out an army entirely. He found himself amused whenever anyone thought to challenge her. A fool's mistake.</p><p>His mind drifted back to their first meeting:</p><p>
  <i>In the small, gray town of Emond's Field, dampened by winter's chill, a woman chased a group of young boys across the village green. She was in her mid-twenties, her dark hair tightly woven into a braid that reached her waist. In her hands she held a stick- a paddle would be a better word, perhaps- which she flailed at the troublemakers, catching them on their bottoms. The boys, half laughing and half yelling, raced off, no doubt to cause more trouble. She shouted something at them as they left, then let her shoulders fall with a sigh. It was then that she looked up and saw them: Moiraine, elegantly dressed in fine blue fabric, and Lan, with his Warder's armor and visible blade over his shoulder.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>In just a few moments she was approaching them, one hand shifting to press down her rumpled skirt, the other tightly gripping her stick. Despite the polite smile she gave there was suspicion in her dark eyes. Those eyes glanced between Moiraine and Lan, as if not sure who to focus on.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Ah, you must be the Wisdom." Moiraine said, calm but friendly. Something about the way she said it made Lan wonder if the woman before him possessed the One Power, or if she was simply talented with herbs and medicines, enough to earn the title.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Yes. Nynaeve al'Meara. The Wisdom." The woman said it stiffly, with a touch of pride. Her brows furrowed and she reached for her braid, closing one hand around it and tugging it. She stopped, almost self-consciously, and dropped her hand. "What brings two..." She seemed unsure of what to call them. "... you two here? My Lady." She added the honorific quickly, though it seemed to bother her to be so dignified while speaking to them. </i>
</p><p><i>"Thank you, child. Would you mind letting me know where I could find the nearest inn?" Nynaeve tensed at the word </i>child. <i>Lan knew that saying so was a mistake, but Moiraine seemed not to notice. </i></p><p><i>"Child? I am a Wisdom! I am-" Nynaeve lashed out, but halted herself quickly. Lan quirked an eyebrow- quite temperamental for a Wisdom. She was young, but did not have the look of a child. She was actually rather beautiful, even with her face twisted into a look of discomfort. Perhaps Moiraine had called the woman that on purpose. </i>To get a reaction, maybe?<i></i></p><p><i>"The inn is over there." Nynaeve managed, her voice taught, and gestured with her head towards a nearby building. Moiraine, seeming as content as ever, gave a small smile and began to walk towards it. Lan moved to follow. He did not take a second glance at Nynaeve, but as he strode away, her face left an imprint in his mind. </i>Wisdom.</p><p>Had Lan known back then what he was in for, he would have been amused. His past relationships, if you could call them that, had been with elegant, calculating, calm women. Women who knew what they wanted and didn't let emotions step in the way. They were nothing like Nynaeve, who came to his shoulder and had enough fire in her to light an entire forest ablaze. Her emotions were not something she kept to herself. The edges of his lips twisted up into a smile. </p><p>Another memory came to him:</p><p>
  <i>It was early in the morning. The sky was still dark, though turning light blue, the moon and a sprinkling of stars visible. Lan was awake simply so that he could scout out their surroundings before the group continued onward. But it was more than a task he had to fulfill- it was an opportunity to be alone with his thoughts.  </i>
</p><p><i>He had acted rashly, impulsively, at least by his own standards. He and Moiraine were rescuing Perrin and Egwene. That was their main focus. All seemed well, until he realized that Nynaeve, who had been freeing the horses, was gone. Lan had turned to leave, to go find her, forgetting about their plans to flee the scene and find safety. It was only Moiraine's commanding tone that halted him. He had lost his sense for a moment. </i>Why did he wish to go back and find her? <i>He was hardly ever tempted to do such a thing.</i></p><p>
  <i>Thankfully Nynaeve had come, crashing through the trees on horseback, and the relief that flickered in his chest was a shock. She swung her legs down and dropped from the mare, approaching her friends- and he stopped her. For what reason, Lan did not know, but his arm shot out and his hand caught her, stopping her for a moment. In the dark, he looked at her without knowing what he was doing, for just a second, and then his arm dropped. She only paused a second before she hugged Egwene, but he heard her make a soft sound of amusement. </i>
</p><p><i></i>Amusement! <i>Blasted woman, she made him feel things he had never even dreamed of feeling before, and it </i>amused <i>her! And now he stood, staring at the horizon quietly, wondering how he got to such a point. </i></p><p>
  <i>"I know what you're thinking about." The voice, calm and cool, caught Lan off guard. Light save him, he was so preoccupied that he was able to be snuck up on. He turned to face Moiraine- a knowing smile played at her lips. "Or should I saw who."</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Moiraine. You should be resting." He responded gruffly, and then looked back at the sky to avoid meeting her gaze. She chuckled softly. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Even you cannot hide this from me, Lan. You've made it quite obvious how much you care about her. Nynaeve." He stiffened at the name. Moiraine walked up to his side and continued. "I wondered when you would fall for a woman, though I must say this one surprises me." </i>
</p><p>
  <i>Indeed Nynaeve was quite different from Lan. She was nearly half his age- half his height, for that matter- and where he was good at keeping his emotions level, she made them clear for all the world to see. If he was a stone, then she was a wildfire, packaged up in a woman who sent his mind spiraling to places he could not predict or control. It drove him half mad, trying to understand why the thought of her ran through his mind constantly.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>At last he answered. "She deserves better. I am not going to let her swear herself to a man who is bound to his death so tightly. She will find another man, and she will be happy." The answer was conclusive, but it left him unsatisfied. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>Moiraine sighed softly. "I knew you would say so. But you are wrong." Lan tore his gaze away from the moon to stare at the Aes Sedai. "I do not think she will find another man, and I hardly think you would be satisfied to let her get away. I will not make this choice for you, but I can advise you of this- once the heart chooses, it cannot be driven from its path by anyone, no matter how strong a will." He did not move- she paused for one moment longer, then gave a polite nod. "I will rouse the others. We should be going."</i>
</p><p>That was when Lan had realized wholly what he felt. It was not a mild liking, a casual attraction, no. Nynaeve had broken through every wall around his heart and taken hold of it with the strength she would use to tug her braid. Without meaning to, she had begun to play with his heartstrings until his blood boiled and his emotions fell out of control. He had spent years and years fortifying himself to keep everything inside. And just like that, she had shattered his defenses. Where he once was cold, now he felt heat, and light. Love.</p><p>And that love would grow into something more, he would come to see.</p><p>
  <i>In public. The mere suggestion of such a thing was surprising even to Lan at first. The Sea Folk were eccentric, certainly, but even this felt like too much. Still, Nynaeve, always the stubborn one, insisted on going through with it. She would marry him no matter what. In that she was completely and utterly confident. </i>
</p><p><i>One moment they were settling down onto the heap of blankets and pillows in the middle of the deck, and the next Lan was kissing Nynaeve, her hands sliding over his bare chest. She was tense, but with every moment she began to loosen up. The ritual called for both of them to be bare-chested, so half the clothes that stood between them were gone already. His hand tugged off his own trousers, then hers- she fumbled with her own, somewhere between desperate for him to take her and nervous that she was being observed. He wanted to make it pleasant for her. It was her first, after all, and more importantly, her first with </i>him. </p><p>
  <i>His name was the first thing to leave Nynaeve's lips when Lan entered her, pushing his hips against hers. She clung to him as he moved, slow at first, but increasing his movements as he felt her adjust to the feel of it. He had never felt so infatuated with a woman while getting intimate. Now, desire was doubled by the love they held for each other. These were not empty gestures, devoid of true want. Even as her nails dug into his back, clawing as she struggled to stay centered, there was nowhere in the world he wanted to be other than at her side. He crashed his lips into hers, and the world- the useless, frustrating, imperfect world- fell away entirely.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Afterwards, Lan lay by her side, looking at her. Nynaeve's braid was messy, her face still flushed, but she was glowing. He felt as though he was glowing too. They were two stars, tangled in the thin bed sheets, rocking in the waves. There was nothing else that mattered then. Nothing at all but her and him.</i>
</p><p><i>One of his hands reached up to brush a loose strand of hair away from Nynaeve's face. </i>His wife. <i>The title brought a smile to his face. Nynaeve, seeing this, grinned as well, and then laughed slightly. They were both giddy from it all. They had a right to be. After all, they were married, in the same bed, in the same place, after everything that had stood in their way. It was the stuff of Lan's dreams. He had only imagined being with her like this. Long before, it had seemed impossible. But now he had her, and she had him.</i></p><p>
  <i>"I love you, Nynaeve al'Meara." He said softly. It was the truest thing he had ever said.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>Nynaeve smiled. "I love you too, Lan Mandragoran." She took his hand, and what he felt between them then seemed sacred. Each word was a vow, and he would fall to his knees and swear his love a thousand times over in that moment if she wished him to. And he would mean every word.</i>
</p><p>It had not been a simple path to being with her. They had fought, had been separated, had questioned their loyalties a thousand times over. But if there was a common thread through it all, it was that Lan had always loved Nynaeve, and she him. He had denied it to himself far too many times. Now, in the moonlight, with her in his arms, Lan could not deny anything. </p><p>He had called her <i>mashiara</i> before. Lost love. It was what he wanted her to know at the time. He loved her, truly, but he could not give her what she sought. They could never have a future together. He rejected the possibility, as wonderful as it seemed. But he had learned not to.</p><p>"Lan." Nynaeve said softly, and he shifted to look at her. She was awake now- for how long, he did not know- but her eyes were on his. </p><p>"You should be sleeping." Lan said, pulling the blanket back up from where it had slipped to his waist. </p><p>"Well, you should too." She responded cleverly. Nynaeve was not wrong- he should at the least be resting his eyes. "Is something keeping you?"</p><p>He shook his head. "Nothing at all. Just remembering things." </p><p>His wife quirked an eyebrow. "Like what?"</p><p>"Not much. Just how we met. How we married." In the dark of the room, he saw that she still blushed at that memory. "I was just reminiscing on how far we've come. And how lucky I am." More flush rose in her cheeks. Even wedded to him, Nynaeve behaved like he was courting her and not holding her in bed. "But you're right. We should be sleeping."</p><p>"Right." Nynaeve agreed, though he saw her smiling to herself as she laid her head back on him. </p><p>This time, the pale streak of moonlight still tracing his chest, Lan closed his eyes. It was not time to think on the past, but rather to dream of the future. A future of possibilities. Children, maybe. A kingdom to rule. Friends coming and going. In every future one thing was the same- him and her. They were always together. He would not let himself consider anything else. No, he would not let them be apart. Not if he could help it.</p><p>In the glow of the moonlight, Lan Mandragoran slept, and the world slept too.</p>
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